Wednesday, May 25, 2011

My mind is so full it has gone blank...

Today I feel like mush.  Such an eloquent, sophisticated and descriptive word choice.  I have so many things crammed into my mind right now that this morning I can't decipher any of them.  Some word pictures that come to mind are

  • a backed up disposal needing desperately to be drained...the more you plunge and stir , the cloudier it becomes
  • a computer loaded with a lot of important information suddenly crashes and the screen is either frozen completely or blank....the dreaded black or blue screen...POOF!  All info is gone!
I finally have a moment today to sift through my mess and I find myself unable to find anything.  It's as if the laundry pile is so high and so mixed up that I will never find the matching socks.  (sadly this is not only figurative, but literal)  I keep trying to think...and I get confused.  I don't know where to begin.

I think we all have experienced this more often that we would care to admit.  I am afraid if I close my eyes and try to calm my mind with the intent of bringing clarity to the fog....I will simply fall ASLEEP!

I remember being in this place years ago when I was in my early twenties.  I was hanging on by one frayed thread.  I had not been still long enough to even attempt to find clarity.  I was playing for a church service and the time came for the special music.  The soloist was using a track and I made my way over to my little chair behind the piano where I sat during the sermon.  I remember sitting there and holding on for dear life.  She started to sing and these were the words to her song:  (you can listen HERE to an arrangement by a choir that is quite lovely)

Rest, the Lord is near, refuse to fear, enjoy His love.
Trust, His mighty power fills every hour of all your days...
There is no need for needless worry, with such a Savior,
we have no cause to ever doubt, 
His perfect Word still reassures in every trial.
Call Him if you grow Him, with loving care,
He'll lift your burden and you'll rest, the Lord is near,
Refuse to fear, enjoy His love.

I wept.  Literally wept.  The sobs that make noise.  Thankfully I could keep them quiet.  I was having trouble catching my breath.  Only one sweet friend saw me and came over to ask if I was okay after the service.  Thankfully my release was not a distraction.  It was however, unexpected.  

Thankfully I am not in the weeping mood today...just cluttered and foggy.

I will have to start small.  
One load of laundry, figuratively and literally.
If I can make that much room in my mind (and laundry baskets) I may be able to breathe a little easier and maybe, just maybe I'll find that missing sock.  

Friday, May 6, 2011

So what is wrapped around YOUR vacuum cleaner brush?

The house was quiet this evening.  One daughter is on an overnight field trip and the other is at a skating party.  I decided to do a little straightening and vacuuming.  As I swept the upstairs hallway, I began noticing that the vacuum didn't seem to be picking up much dirt and dust.  If fact, I don't think it was picking up anything at all.  This has happened before, but after cleaning the dirt container it usually goes back to working normally.  This time, that wasn't happening.  I turned it off, sat on the floor and turned the vacuum over.  I couldn't believe what I saw.  I would post a picture but people would judge me, surely they would.  The amount of "stuff" wrapped around my brush was so thick I couldn't see the brush!  I was so embarrassed....and there was no one home to see it!  I didn't even want the cat to look.  After a half hour of tedious operating, my brush looks like new.

This got me to thinking about how hard we work at cleaning up the messes in our lives.  We work very hard to keep things in our lives looking neat and put together.  There's really nothing wrong with that.  We want order, happiness and calmness.  When things get "messy"at home or at work we quickly act to clean things up so all will be well again.  No one likes to live in a mess or chaos.  The problem is that we are so busy cleaning up the messes around us that we forget that all the dirt and grunge has to go somewhere.  Before long, we are unable to really clean things up because we haven't properly disposed of the grime and trash.  Cleansing is as important as the cleaning process.  It would be like scrubbing toilets and never washing your hands afterwards.  My vacuum cleaner brush was a wonderful visual for me.  My vacuum had worked hard to clean up my messes...but I forgot to clean and take care of the "cleaner".  We have to let things go.  Put them to rest.  Bury the mess.  Forget it and move on.  I've had many messes in my life that I have replayed over and over again.....knowing they were all cleaned up.....but for some reason I kept revisiting them.  I am learning to let them go, forgive, put them to rest, and start with a clean vacuum.