I can't say it, Lord.
But I know your thoughts, child.
I know, Lord, but if I say it, you'll make it happen.
I know your heart, child.
If I say it out loud, then I know that everything will change.
I never change.
Yes, I know You never change, Lord, but my circumstances will change.
I am in control.
I like things just as they are, Lord.
Do you love me?
Yes, Lord. I love You.
Do you trust Me?
It will hurt.
Why do you feel everything that I do will hurt you?
It isn't what I want.
But I know what you need. I know the plans I have for you. They are not to harm you.
Have you ever had a similar conversation with God? Have you ever been so griped with fear that you know in your heart that God knows every thought you have but if you actually verbalize your prayer everything will come crashing down around you? I even know that I'm crazy and that God is NOT just waiting on me to verbalize my fears and concerns so He can plunge me into the lion's den. HAHA
Just writing that makes me see how silly I can be sometimes. But for some strange and exhausting reason, I hold on to my fears like my strength and control keeps them from unleashing themselves on me. If I hold them and never.....ever.....EVER....say them out loud, then everything will be okay. Crazy.
God is patient with me. I am forever grateful for His patience. I am a stubborn one. I know I disappoint Him daily, but He loves me just the same. A friend recently shared with me about a time in her life where she was going through fearful agony in her heart. She told me that she sat with her hands open before the Lord and gave Him her fear. We talk about being "open-handed", but she actually physically opened her hands before the Lord. A simple gesture? Not really. Probably the most difficult physical gesture she had ever performed. Physically.....actually opening her hands and giving her fears to Lord released the fear and gave her peace. That picture is forever in my mind and engraved on my heart. I have done this simple, yet agonizing gesture in my own prayer life recently. I have also prayed for God to give me the courage through His strength to verbalize my fears to Him. God knows my thoughts. Saying them out loud does not make Him hear them and pay attention any more than keeping them in my mind keeps Him from acting and moving in my life. Doing these simple gestures sends a message to my heart to release these fears to Him completely. And peace comes.
Verbalizing my fears to the Lord actually did cause the walls to come crashing down around me......but not like I envisioned. The walls that came crashing down were the walls of fear! Those walls come crashing down and bring me freedom from the bondage of fear! The view is more beautiful without the walls in the way.