Monday, October 20, 2008

I would love a "do over"....

Unfortunately, there is no such thing in real life. We don't get "do overs". But if I ever wanted one...it was today.

I wasn't feeling very well this weekend and on top of that hosted a slumber party. (see previous post) So, needless to say, things didn't get done over the weekend like they should have. Normally, I spend the better part of my Saturday doing laundry. I would love to say I clean the house EVERY weekend, but it just doesn't happen. In my mind it does. I imagine what it would look like if it were being cleaned. So far no miracle has happened, and the laundry didn't get done.

I awoke to the house like a block of ice because we forgot to set the heat to come on for the first time. As I was getting dressed this morning, I was trying to psych myself of for my Monday. My Monday is the most stressful day of the week for me, with Wednesday being a close second. I began my morning list of reminders for the kids. I began with ballet clothes for after school. Here is where the day went downhill before we even left the house.

The ballet clothes for Janey hadn't been washed and were SOMEWHERE in the pile of laundry waiting to be washed. Now when I say pile of laundry, I am speaking in literal terms. Maybe I should go as far as to say piles of laundry. So the search began. It took me fifteen minutes to sort through all the laundry....but there it was....the blue leotard. Popped it in the dryer with a "make it smell good for one more wear" dryer sheet, and then made it downstairs to find the sink full of dirty dishes.

I knew that any attempt at closing my eyes and picturing the kitchen clean wasn't going to work, so I skipped breakfast and cleaned the kitchen.

That's when it all hit me. The flood of feelings of inadequacy and failure. It wasn't just the laundry and the kitchen sink. The overwhelming sense of having no time to actually rest when you don't feel your best, because you will only fall that much farther behind.

This is where my husband found me quietly sobbing in the bathroom.

It's a gift really. The silent and very ugly cry. It has taken years of perfecting it, but I think I have it down pretty good. You don't want anyone to know you are crying, but you just can't hold it in any longer. If you cry out loud and really release the stress, then the children are ALARMED and ask a thousand questions that will send you into another whole level of stress!  So, one must perfect the silent sob. So, my husband finds me in the bathroom trying to blot my make up before I have to go fix it all over again. By now, I have the "crying headache" and wish I could just crawl back in bed and start again. But, no time for tears. The day must go on.

I forge on through the stressful Monday.  On Mondays I literally run between K-12 classes all day and can barely keep up. Around 12:45, I'm still teaching (class number five of the day---and it isn't even lunchtime) and that's when it happened. I had left my laptop on the floor of my classroom right next to the piano. I was trying to teach and write a memo for the students in the room to take home at the same time. I put the computer down to focus on a particular song we were working on and left it next to the piano. I got up from the piano to go help some students and.........

"CrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrACK!"

Yep. I stepped on the laptop screen. It's ruined. I've never seen a screen look like that before.
Beautiful in a heart-breaking kind of way.

As I looked at the computer screen and it's "cracked" mess, I realized that my life is pretty "cracked" these days. Shattered in so many different places and jumbled beyond recongnition. I wonder who I am at times. I am thankful that God is working to take this cracked and shattered heart of mine and repair it. It is taking some time, but I can feel the balm healing one area at a time.

His mercies are new EVERY morning....not just on the mornings when the laundry is done.

1 comment:

BeckyMuller said...

Sorry you had a pretty crummy day!! I need to perfect that silent sob..I'm not so silent. you're right...you get a MILLION questions! I hope tomorrow is a better day! If you kept it together after you stepped on the computer I'm VERY impressed. That would have been it for me!!!